Dreaming With a Broken Heart
by prettymuchthestoryofmylife
Summary: What is it like when two people who want to be together can't? Olivia left, and Fitz is a broken man. Will they be able to find their way back to each other? My take on season 4 I guess? I don't know this is just Therapy for me. Was a one shot.


**So this is just a little one shot thingy that I'm considering expanding into more. What do yall think i should do? Oh yeah also scandal isn't mine... Unfortunately. if it was i would make some considerable changes to president fitz (see authors note below).**

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart_

I'm here

she said softly touching his face "I'm here"

Fitz closed his eyes and breathed in her smell. The faint smell of roses, she always managed to leave behind. "Livvie" he sighed, letting the name roll off his tongue, holding her hand to his face.

"Ssshhh. I'm here" she whispered letting her head fall onto his chest

"Livvie" he said again resting his head on top of hers breathing in her scent

"Please" she begged "Please. Can we just stay? For one minute? Can we just stay like this. Just close our eyes and be us?"

"One minute" he said as he closed his eyes. Letting himself go, freeing himself to the moment. And they stayed like that. Her clinging on to him, and Fitz holding on to her so tightly that she would never be able to run away again. They were there. They were Fitz and Liv again. Invincible from everything with their love that was all consuming.

_The waking up is the hardest part_

_You roll outta bed, and down on your knees_

And then he woke up next to Mellie. In an empty room, in an empty house, an empty man. She wasn't there. Not really. He slowly pulled the covers away and got out of bed, sinking to his knees. She wasn't here. Olivia wasn't here. His son was dead, and he couldn't do it. Not without her. She was his anchor, and now he was just floating endlessly. Nowhere to go.

_And for a moment you can hardly breathe_

_Wondering was she really here_

He was alone. And he couldn't breather. Thinking about her. About Amanda tanner, Defiance, Billy Chambers, and Maya and Eli Pope. Every single thing that mattered in his life, good or bad, led back to Olivia. He needed her to breathe. And she wasn't around.

He stayed like that; on the ground for several minutes until he could take the pain enough to stand up. And when he did, he caught the smell of roses. Was she here? He looked around quickly, sniffing again to make sure he hadn't been mistaken. But he was right. The smell was so distinct. Mostly roses, but something else that seemed to make her Olivia. It was definitely her. He could smell her. And if he tried hard enough, he could almost feel her. He walked around the room, and looking like an idiot, checked all the corners, and the bathroom, and every conceivable place Olivia could be hiding. Until he found himself standing in the middle of his big empty room. And he remembered. She couldn't be here. Because she had left him. She was god knows where with his former Navy buddy, confidant, and friend. So she couldn't be here, with him, where she belonged.

_Is she standing in my room_

_No she's not, cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone_

Fitz sat at his desk in the oval office like he did every day. Fitz didn't do anything per say, he signed papers, and smiled on national television, but it didn't mean anything. Not anymore. He didn't want it anymore. Not since he'd learned what it was really like behind the curtain. He'd taken a walk on the dark side, and his son had paid for it. He'd taken a walk on the dark side, and Olivia was gone. So Fitz wanted nothing more to do with politics, and the last thing in the world he wanted to do was be President of the United States of America. But he did it, because the people had chosen him. His only consolation was the tiny, mobile burner phone, he kept with him at all times. In case she decided to call. Just so she could hear his voice. Like he so desperately needed to hear hers.

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart_

_The giving up is the hardest part_

It was 3 months after she had left, when Fitz stopped taking the phone everywhere with him. He still kept it in his nightstand, but he didn't take it with him to the office. He couldn't let it distract him. And he didn't want to face the silence of the phone anymore. It haunted him. All it did was taunt him mercilessly all day and all night. So why would he put himself through that torture? Why not just throw it out? He had contemplated it many times, and even decided once or twice to actually do it, but something always stopped him. It was a simple answer really. He loved her, he was in love with her, and he couldn't even think about throwing away his last connection to her, his last shred of hope. So he kept it in his nightstand to keep the hope alive, but left it there because he had given up, and he was resigned to the fact that she wasn't going to call anytime soon.

_She takes you in with her crying eyes_

_Then all at once you have to say goodbye_

When Fitz woke up exactly 5 months, and 17 days after she had disappeared he saw Olivia. She was sitting at the end of his bed wearing the look that meant one of two things. Either Fitz had hurt her, or she was about to hurt him. Her eyes were big and glassy, and her lips were slightly parted, like she wanted to say something. She looked like she was about cry.

"Olivi-"

"Shhh" she cut him off "I'm sorry"

"What?" That was not what he was expecting her to say

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For leaving you. Like that. You didn't deserve that. No one deserves that." Her voice was getting wobbly now. A telltale sign she was about to cry. "I just, I couldn't. With Jerry, and Maya, and Mellie. I couldn't look at you knowing it was all my fault. So I left. I took myself out of the equation. And I'm sorry"

He observed her for a moment, the same look on his face. "I don't forgive you"

"What?"

"I don't forgive you. Not right now. And I need you right now. I can't live without you, I can't breathe without you, I am nothing if I don't have you. You make me who I am. And no matter what happens I will always love you. But I can't forgive you.

"I understand" she said sadly. Then all at once she straightened, " I have to go"

_Wondering could you stay my love_

_Will you wake up by my side?_

"Wait", he said desperately "don't go. Stay."

"Fitz" she started softly

"Please."

Olivia looked down, conflicted, "I can't. There was a pause, and Olivia looked into Fitz's eyes. "Fitz, I need you to do me a favor."

"What is it?" He asked. "I'll do anything."

"I need you to let me go," she sighed.

He broke eye contact and put his head in his hands, "I can do anything but that. Please, just ask something else. Ask me if I'm okay; ask me how Karen is, or Cyrus. Ask me what I think about the terrorist situation, hell, ask me about the weather. Please, just don't ask me that again. Please. Stay."

She took a deep breath, as if preparing to say something, but she didn't, she just exhaled. He copied her motions, closing his eyes, and taking a deep breath in. He was ready to tell her that it was all okay, that he forgave her and nothing mattered as long as she was safe. That no matter what he would always, always love her. But when he did eventually open his eyes he couldn't. She was gone. Again.

No she can't cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone

The next 6 months of Fitz's life were hell. Everywhere he went he thought he saw her. Heard her. Smelled her. She was a ghost. Everywhere, and nowhere all at once. He couldn't even go on walks in the rose garden anymore. What once was their secret little spot was now a constant reminder of the fact that she had left him. On the very few occasions he mustered the courage to go, he could almost hear her pacing. She was always pacing. Cyrus and Mellie didn't know what to do with him anymore. Both treating him like a doll. They acted like everything was normal, but he could see it. In the way they talked to him, the way they would shoot him concerned looks every once in a while. Everyone knew Olivia's absence was affecting him. And he didn't give a damn. He was the President of the United States of America for

God's sakes. He could and would be sad if his son died and the love of his life left him within a day of each other. It was normal. But even he had to admit that this hurt more than all of the other times she had been done with him. His heart was breaking. More and more each day. And his dreams of her became more frequent. He was constantly awakened by her. And then she would disappear. Again, and again, and again, and again. He just couldn't learn. He fell for it every time. He just needed that little flame of hope to stay alive, but it got a little bit smaller each day, until the point where he stopped believing it was her. She would show up and he would go back to bed. And that was Fitz's sign that he had given up.

_Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?_

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?_

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?_

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?_

_Would you get them if I did?_

_No you won't cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. _

It was the one year anniversary of Gerry's death and Olivia's disappearance when Fitz was getting ready to go to bed one night when he saw white and dark red roses on a table in a clear vase between the two couches in his office. The sight of them washed a whole new wave of pain over him. Pain for both Olivia and Gerry. And with the pain came anger. She had left him, and his son was dead. He picked up the vase and hurled it against the wall across from him. He had said no roses. The staff new that, everyone who worked inside the white house knew not to decorate with roses, but there were definitely roses on this small table, So it must have been Mellie. She probably thought she was being sweet. Trying to make him feel better. But all they did was make him want to go back to his bedroom and drink until he was numb. He'd been doing that a lot lately. Drinking. Mellie and Cyrus didn't like it, and Olivia would have _hated _it. That's probably part of the reason he did it. His own little rebellion. Proving to his mind that he didn't need her anymore. That he didn't do everything because of her anymore. He was just heading off to the living quarters when he ran into Mellie.

"Get rid of those god damn roses." He grunted on his way out.

"Honey I know the roses make you think of Gerry" she paused for a moment when she said his name. She still got choked up even thinking his name "and of her, but they were delivered to us with the request to put them somewhere nice."

"Who are they from?"

"The Prime Minister of the Bahamas. I thought of course it was strange, we rarely after talk with them after all, but it was such a nice gesture I couldn't resist. Here's the card if you want" She handed him a small crisp white card folded in half. He flipped it open and skimmed it.

_**Mr. President,**_

_**I understand it is approaching the 1-year anniversary of the tragic loss of your son Fitzgerald Thomas Grant IV. As a man with children myself I cannot imagine what kind of pain you are in right now. I recently got some advice to take one minute out of each day and appreciate what's around me. It is my greatest hope that these roses will remind you to do just that. **_

_**Sincerely,**_

_Perry Christie_

**_Prime Minister of the Commonwealth of the Bahamas_**

"That was nice. Tell the staff to put them in a fresh vase and put them somewhere else." Fitz's tone was hard. Something about the letter seemed off. It was definitely from Christie, there was no doubt about that, but something just seemed wrong about it. "goodnight Mellie" he added softly "sweet dreams" he kissed her cheek and headed off to bed. He read for a while and then laid down and closed his eyes. One last thought crossed his mind as he drifted into unconsciousness: "Olivia would have loved those roses"

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart _

_The waking up is the hardest part _

The ringing of a phone in his room woke Fitz from his uneasy slumber. He groped for it and finally finding the phone pulled it out of his nightstand, not realizing the significance of where the phone had been

"Hello?" he answered groggily

"Hi"

"You're not real" he said, and hung up

**A/N: soooooooooo that story was all kinds of mess but it was my own little "scandal is back and I have no idea where the hell Olivia is or what's gonna happen next" therapy session. But I have a couple things to say. Numero uno: I suck at updates. I don't think I've ever been good at it and there's very little chance I will ever be good at it but I'm trying to learn for all y'all. Numero Dos: Season 3 was kinda disappointing for me and I really hope we see more of the old, not broken, and cryee Liv. And they need to fix olitz cause the president is hella screwing it up for me. And that brings me to number 3: after extensive research I have come to the conclusion that Fitz is a giant boob. And I don't like that. Please make him less booby shonda pleaseee. And last but not least Number Four: Updates on my other stories will be out soon! **

**Questions, Comments, Outrages?**

**Let me know!**


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